Unhappy

I've been feeling perpetually unhappy for _______ as long as I can remember. Joke, I could tell my sibling to "take 1 step at a time, dont go and think about those which have not happened yet." Yet, most of the time, i am seen not applying it. So you tell me, I am not the role model myself, how did I ever, how could I even ever, try to talk him round. What happened to my life, a question which I've been consistently asking my own damn bloody self. More often than not, I am not seen with a proper answer. If this has never befall upon her, everything would be okay. I'll be fine. My life won't change. I wont feel fucked, I'll be happy. I'll live happily.

Trying very hard to pretend and i know i succeed. I always do, but right in which we dont even have to go too deep, its tearing. Every single bloody day, it hurts.

Life sucks, that's the word for it.

Merry Christmas?

nothingness ;

That's what ive been constantly feeling. I've never felt such nothingness listless for all I can remember but why had this year been such a mess. A mess where it's so hard to fixed things up. The kinda lousiness you constantly feeling. You know how helpless sometimes I am.. I don't know what to do to cheer myself instantly. Sigh, it sucked all sucked so freaking much

#1 女:謝謝你喜歡我。
男:我也喜歡當年喜歡著妳的我。

#2 原本我以為我是個超有自信的人，在喜歡的女孩面前，我只是一個膽小鬼。

#3 我很喜歡妳，非常喜歡妳，總有一天我一定會追到妳。

#4 成長，最殘酷的部份就是，女孩子永遠比同年齡的男孩子成熟。

#5 人生本來就有很多事是徒勞無功的啊。

#6 被你喜歡過，就感覺別人沒那麼喜歡了。

#7 女孩的成熟，沒有一個男孩招架得住

#8 戀愛最美好的，就是曖昧的時候。

#9 或許，在另一個平行時空裡，我們是在一起的。

#10 我瞧不起的不是成績不好的人，我瞧不起的是明明自己不用功念書，卻只會瞧不起用功念書的人。

#11 我敢跟妳賭，十年後，我連log是什麼都不知道，照樣活得很好。

#12 這種尖酸的題目就算解得出來，對人生還是一點意義都沒有啦。

#13 如果你真的很喜歡一個女孩的話，當新郎不是妳的話，那麼你永遠無法祝福她。結果：不，當你真的很喜歡一個女孩的話，那麼無論新郎是誰，你都會真心祝福她。

#14 每一個男生都想在自己心上人面前，展現自己最強的一面。但是這個方式，並不管用。

#15 不像考卷，所有複雜困難的問題，都能得到一個解答。真實人生裡，有些事永遠也沒有答案。

#16 我想成為一個很厲害的人，讓這個世界因為有了我而有一點點的改變而我的世界，不過就是妳的心。

#17 下一次浪來，會帶走女孩留在沙灘上的美好足跡，但我們還在。刻在我們心中女孩的模樣，也會還在。


You Are The Apple Of My Eye ♥

Distraction

Easily distracted ... I was reading in enthu when all of a sudden , I recalled what was called "the truth" i am unable to shake it off my mind & it literally drained my enthusiasm right down to almost zero. What the hell is going on... You know I always convey to people that for whatever It is , it is All in the brain / mind .. We are in so in depth control of it but why am I not able to convince myself ? This must be the greatest joke of all .. Sigh , why do I have so less tolerance when it all comes to the mind, why ? Why can't I control what I wanna think what I don't ? Isn't it really so Freakg hard to just ask myself not to think.. Live today as it is and right , just live and stop creating images .. Haix ..

Heart Matters

I can't control emotions when it all comes to the heart . Though known that it's main function is to "pump the blood" but many times i realized, that is not solely the case. I don't know why can I get so worked up worried bout people in my life . Is a feeling you can't control you wish it could ease sometime but it just can't . . I didn't wanna react too much felt a little overboard that's because it hurt me too .. Itd made my life busy worrying imagining , getting frightened , afraid . I got so carried away some time that I forgot how should I go about living my life

I have been questioning myself of my life lately. How have I really been living it or rather, am I even living up to it. I remember myself as someone who is (was) lively. Can't deny that I miss that self pretty much on a constant basis. I always love life. Even how nasty a day could be I'll deal with it... Not untill these happened. I lost touched of life. I lived in a fearful day to day beat. I am very afraid. Afraid to lose it, afraid to face it & very afraid to deal with it. Till then we have come in terms with it and is now dealing it. Nevertheless the process of dealing it require so much courage. I'm seen frequently at home that's because I do not want to leave home too far. Afraid that if I do things will not fall in place too neat. I lived my day being worried scared followed by frightening nightmares. So Much of wanting a companion to take away my pain, even if it's for awhile I welcome it, however, I am lazy to reach. Lazy to reach for help. I can't find the best candidate or maybe I am not willing to stay open to my problems. Maybe I chose to bury myself with all the anixety. Notwithstanding it, I want to smile and live so freaking bad.

Somewhere we always knew no matter how ugly certain quarrels may seems to be, no matter how nasty we call each other names, we will always still be unwilling to let go. Even if we did "let go" most of the time we made up within a very short period. You tell me, is this called True Love or what

Unknowingly or what, Apple realized she always does things alone;

Sometimes when you don't want to admit life's hard but it is

Faith is trust, hope and belief

I was trying my luck to see if I can post a picture through my iPhone on to my blog but yeah it failed miserbly. I miss my laptop I wish it could work, pfffffft.. Tell me when's the next time I can ever lay my fingers probably on a new laptop... Hmph.. Lifes pretty the same lately just that it'd been busy for woRk as I've been relocated at Pasir panjang.. I do go back to changi south still though just that maybe it'll be less frequent.. Hmm.. I would like to grow in this company so yeah I probably really have to work hard:-) I want to study badly I wish I source for a school pretty soon with money not being a problem (I wished) but yeah money is still and always the concern.. :-( jerrome and I.. We are normal.. up down up down.. Sb sian.. Not
like I can control too-( grats to the brother who has successfully obtained a silver for his ippt.. Pretty well done.. Extra two months for him if not he would have enlisted just maybe tml.. *phewZ~! That's all, stay safe all, xoxo.

I cant get any less of these, can you?

Human, mother, nature, we humans, people reacts to colors, As much as I loved black, I cant deny I cant get any "brighter" with these pretty little things, If looking at these could cheer you, I, please do.

就是寂寞孤单一个人的时候特别。。 就会想起你。因为只有你能把我的寂寞带走。 可是为什么寂寞的感觉那么讨厌。

Batam , Indonesia `. Just the 7 of us for Yanhan's twentyfirst ~ <3 * xD

impromptu met up with my childhoods

*appreciate the efforts of janeong's. we hardly ever meet though both of us know we are the childhood babies. well, tight schedules, laziness, whatever. but we made it through last week. *likes. We spent hours over Starbucks and just simply catch up. Everything was awesome. Wish to have more of these Starbucks thingy, couple of beer thingy, that'll be fun I guess, catching up our lives over it could keep us busy. :) and everything seems so familiar though we hvnt meet for years.......

loveyall:D

Lazy drowsy Sunday

You know it'd never been this bad. Not even when i hanged out the entire night, club, drink and just hang over. Even undergoing hang overs, it'd never been this bad, what. tell me what the shit is that? Thanks to the smaller than a 5Cent coin can? Apparently Jerrome also took the flu medicine he was abit drowsy and abit tired but the coffee cured him but it seems NOT happening on me, its been the 2nd cup of coffee can. Suck. I literally spent my Sunday sleeping and whats NOT, I missed out doing what I wana do like clean the room, read the Sunday Times. and whatever. _|_ .

Love Tampinesians

Beginning to live, again.

Day trip to Malaysia with Jerrome, his mom and aunty group of union members.















--

Lazy blog in details.

I love you mr. jerrome. xoxo

I got very frighten. I am afraid to live life. I am afraid to know what is going to happen. I am, really is. It was not a thing which I used to carry with me but this time round, it weigh quite heavily on me and its a feeling I cant stop. Tell me whats going on, what is it that is in me that made me become like this. Lost--------- You don't know whats is it, I don't either. What I just know bout this feeling is that I became very paranoid. Very paranoid of my loved ones. My mother, Father, Grandmother, Brother and Boyfriend. This few people, I get paranoid easily. When they don't pick up my calls, I kept calling. When they aren't feeling very well, I kept asking, I kept trying to find ways to recover them. I keep, I kept. I became someone who is very very extremely frighten that I'll lose my loved ones. Living Life for me became very...... vague. But, I was never at least like this despite them being my priorities. I seems to have lost myself entirely. lost, I don't know to whom, what, which, where, and how the hell did I lost it and why, Why did I even lose it. I got no idea.. Sigh. Wait, I know what, I lost my pet, a pet which I really liked and doted. A pet which allows me to become a pet lover, at least a dog lover. I cant say i'm a extreme dog lover but at least I finally understand what do owners mean by "dogs are man best friend" I finally understood.......... They are indeed lovable creatures. He created the bonds and polluted the house with their noises. It created laughter to the family and even when I'm not at home to accompany Grandma, at least I know he's there and he will.


(...) I still cry at the slightest thing esp when I see your pictures, esp when I see your pet shops, your treats, whatever. you know I still did. #Sweetheart. :'(


and wait again, I lost a friend, and another. I paid my last visit and the familiar images which were once alive became not, haunts me concurrently. It just kept coming back. and it scares me.


.
.
.

So all these make me to became like this right now, afraid, frighten, paranoid, bad dreams, it make a lot of sense and every each relates to my current situation.

Suck.

Tremendously.


:

I need to live life.


At least normally.

Has it been like a common practise to pay the last visit to your friend over in a box under the void deck?


Within the 2nd quarter of a year I visited 2. Tell me what is this, why is life so fragil. I thought I was recovering from the loss of a friend over a bike incident and then now again over another bike incident. It hurts. Nothing else but stunned, painful, and simply just lost. I dont know what to say. I lost my friend, again, over a bike accident. this friend is someone I'd closer contacts with. This friend was my colleague. This friend, we just went for drinking 2 weeks back and this friend, just commented on my status, calling me "Lian-perds" and this friend, was asking me to plan the other outing. This friend, whom I spoke several times with regards to his oversized bike, yet, taking every single care & concern for granted, this friend.... was a short term short lived friend yet, the happy images of this friend could keep coming back. This Friend, I will not remember the bloated body of yours in the box and finally this friend, I will never forget you despite having sucha short friendship with you. This Friend, I miss you.

My new scope started over at Changi South again... it seems that I cant get over with Changi South any time soon. Well, the new scope as well as the company is good. I like my cubical desk, errrr, my colleagues so far are alright , have been out lunching with random colleagues from varies departments. Well I think it did gave me some kinda mingle opportunities.

This is a 6 months temp contract but their paying are far better than normal ones.. hopefully after 6 months I can still stay there at least? hahaa:)

*****

And this is to the birthday girl below

Happy Twenty First Sista, please be happy:)


























xoxo. tampinesian rocks:)

It was Jerromes buddy Twentyfirst, was a house party plus a night at Helipad. Both were as good, it was not my first time hanging out with his buddies, well..... actually being the only girl also not bad. hahahaha. :)
















(K you know this group picture with the cake below? I dont understand why is the man/BOY screaming behind Jerrome doing this to our group picture. *&^%$#!~ he's not from the SP clique! I mean i'm not from SP either BUT I'm asked to be in the picture but it makes zero sense for him to be in it argh!!!)










Ok so its kinda obvious that Jerrome is quite happy to be in a club har?! He better not be addicted. *&^%$!~!

Random people and its happening






















































































Sometimes, you just dont know how people gets together, take nice pictures and erm, which probably would last for quite some time. xoxo.

Happy Twenty First Lynnette, goOdiesz since a decade or so.








































Hope you'd a blast;)

****************

I got a new job with its pay quite good and I freaking pass all my modules. diploma is freaking official MINE !!!!

I didnt search or visit my livejournal on purpose. I was there unintended. So since I'm there already then ya, I started reading my past entries .... read and read, there's this post with a picture Brother and you were in it. and i labelled "Favourite boys"

I kept staring at the picture as though it was freaking recent. but hell no it was a year ago when you were still alive and kicking.

Unpleasant thoughts just came hitting me on random timings. and this random thoughts are always the same. Its about you. Its about the thought you left, that instant moment you left, the last feelings I'd of you. Why are all these thoughts so freaking recent, so freaking the same . Yes I live life normally, i try. really hard..but... I miss you dearly. Always have the thoughts that you left forever, I cant bring myself to accept. But accepting or not its not even my choice. I am infact left with no options. I dont have magical powers to bring you back to life. I do not have.

If you're talking bout miracles, maybe...... no, i cant say its totally fake. Because I still remember that night when I wrote on my diary saying "If you ever hear me, come to jiejie dream, let me feel touch see you and ensure everything is ok" And on the same particular night, you did. you really really did. When I woke up I was dumb folded. Happy anot, glad, I don't know. All I knew was I know you heard me.

Enough said,

the tears seems to be on its verge again

whats new, anyway?

I dont know what kinda mood or rather feelings I've every moment. It seems to vary very often these days. I know , I know it'd always been revolving around the same thing. Nothing eases. and that is true. more often said than not, Move on... and just looked forward. Easier said than really do. Who enjoys rollar coaster emotional rides? You do? I don't. No one does. but its not like a feeling which can easily be controlled. I miss him and that its true. I always wake up really wish I can still see him again. really. my heart still hurt significantly every single time I recalled the instant moment he left. My heart hurts....

It do come to a point whereby I wondered what's the reason for me to be at least hanging on...... I am very firm of having a very determined bright future with Ivan but the thought to go through all these examinations, having to be stressed over the results and the topics makes me sometime feel if..... It's necessary for myself to go through these. I mean I know nothing lasts without hard work.... Or rather, hard works pays off eventually. I guess I'm just ranting cause' at the end of the day I am still firm with what I ever want. No doubt getting there requires really alot of..... Efforts. I'll continue to go for what I want. I will.

Happy Mothers Day was spent entirely home with the family. I prepared foods, nothing can ever go wrong with the Parents, Sibling , ahma and all.
































Unconditionedtwowaylove.
Because I know no matter what, they will always protect me just like I will too.

ILoveyoumomdadahmadi

left my company again, I know I'm like a very pro active in job hoppings but it wasnt intended. I thought I can last also, I mean I do not have intention to disrupt my plans which I've layed sometime ago but too bad, the entire company structure just sucks. I cant get along with my team mates and maybe my bias manager but shes nice I mean I dont know if its genuine. errr, it dont matter anymore also, right? Netball became a sport which I cant go without. it keeps me going, it keeps me running, sweating, relaxing, exercising, keeping fit and yes, it gives me energy. at least it keeps me moving, at least My boyfriend Jerrome and I are doing fine, we are perhaps... learning again to be more patience with each other. hopefully all these continue:) He calls me SweetGirl and I call him Sweetboy hahaha. We are trying to maintain the Sweetness you call it


















Iloveyou

I realized I stopped writing. I kinda stopped writing in the diaries of mine, in the pretty books of mine. I stopped....writing. I was trying to find back the kinda "momentum" and plannings and... being organized habits but I was not near to having them back. I tried, I know I tried to find back those habits but I dont know why, it cant be my pen, writing, all of the sudden seems so difficult. Could it be I'm not satisfied with my handwritings, Could it be.. I don't have the patience to recall, Could it be my hands are just lazy and tired. Well, I got zero ideas indeed.
Luckily I'm not sick of having a online dairy yet, Infact I guess I wont too.. cos here's probably the surviving tool of my expressions.

My mother and I were roaming at Isetan, err, maybe not, it was with a purpose. I was there to look for my clinque products. Okay so after confirming that those are what I wana buy, my mother randomly asked about some "年纪比较大的用那一个?" so when the women introduced, we were like "oh....oh.... so the price is...." okay then yadayada, I knew she find it quite expensive for a bottle of serum less than maybe 80ml? I asked her if she wants, she said no, but you know those kinda reluctance. I can see it, I can feel it. but.. but when I said, "I buy, for you, Mothers' Day" all of a sudden, I dont know what I know she felt "DING DING DING....!!!" like happy, I kept observing and... yes, she was happy with me saying "I will buy for you" it was a kinda feeling where you dont know what perfect words can you piece up with, it seems like a in depth natural bonding a mother and her daughter could have. I know in times of good or bad, my mother is around. always have been. And now I know she feels the same. In times of good Or bad, I will be around. Awesome, I love you my mother. very extremely too much. :)

coolies



another bunch, they are awesome too and im really serious. too bad yide is away, else it'll be complete. my wonderful new friendship, iheartyou. :)

GirlFriend's 21st

the best thing can happen actually, is to have a bunch of very nice & Sweet Girlfriends.. even though we dont meet everyday but when it comes to birthday especially, you know that they will make it a blast , you just know that every single one of them will try all their power means to buy a expensive nice gifts, all the decoratives, the cake, the dining place. all. and i mean everyone of them ; Thank you for being apart in my Life, the 6 of you:)





<3













Birthday Girl Shirui treated us over to HardRock Cafe, nice and expensive! xD thank you for the treats :) Followed by Party World, and we'd a surpised for her credits go to (Shevone and Singyee) :D

it was great, the companion were just awesome and the kinda updates gossips , fun we'd were crazy , wish to hv more of it :)


















hmm , and this beautiful cake was made by Amanda and Yanhan ! (I was there to extra only) such lovely cake, right:)














and this is what we got for her!





alliknowistheyaresuchsweetgirlsreally.







I know you're happy. xoxo. loveyou .xoxo